E3: Raising Teens While Working Remote: Boundary Setting Tips from a Pro

Episode #3: Raising Teens while Working Remote: Boundary Setting Tips from a Pro

[00:00:00] Erika Bergen: I am really looking forward to sharing this episode with you today. I'm joined by parenting coach and expert Maria Imes. She works with parents to help them talk to and build connections with their teens and preteens. She's also been working remotely for 12 years. And so if you have a preteen or teen in your life and you're trying to navigate remote work successfully that builds harmony in the home, then you're going to want to stick around.

[00:00:26] Erika Bergen: Maria, welcome to Work It Remote.

[00:00:47] Maria Iams: Thanks for having me, Erika.

[00:00:49] Erika Bergen: So we've crossed paths because we're both in the coaching and communication world, but I love your story on how you were inspired to translate that skill set and your background into working with parents. would you mind sharing more about that with our listeners?

[00:01:06] Maria Iams: Yeah, sure. So my first career started in education and I went into education because I thought that that was the only way I could work with adult learners. Like that's what I wanted to do. What I'm doing now is what I wanted to do when I was 22. I just didn't know the way to get there. Anyway, I went into education.

I became a teacher and I have a background in child development and I spent a lot of time learning about how kids behave. how they interact and setting boundaries with them and helping them grow and thrive as young people. So I'm very passionate about that. So I have this education background and concurrently I was developing my skill set as someone who works with adult learners.

I was doing a lot of coaching, a lot of training and development, curriculum design, et cetera. And in 2012, I made the shift. incorporate some corporate clients into that portfolio of work that I was doing. And so I still do some work in, in the education space, but primarily now it's mainly corporate clients, coaching, training, development, et cetera. I have not lost my passion for helping teenagers and parents now have great relationships. I decided to take this coaching background that I have and translate into what parents can do to maintain and build relationships with their teenagers because I am like the de facto parent coach for my friends. I'm like the one that they call and how would you handle this and what would you do about this? was like, should put this out there way because I'm having these conversations literally every day.

[00:02:54] Erika Bergen: Yeah, and I'm not surprised that you're that person for your friends because you have such a non judgmental way of talking to people where I could see people coming to you for that advice and support. So I'm thrilled that you're gonna be sharing some of that with us now.

[00:03:10] Maria Iams: Yeah, I think that's the key thing You got to be non judgmental because people can tell me things and that and also not breaking their trust, right?

[00:03:21] Erika Bergen: Okay,

[00:03:21] Maria Iams: they're talking about. So it's not gossip. It's I need some help.

[00:03:26] Erika Bergen: yeah, so let's dig into that a little bit you know, my kids are young. I don't have I'm like I'm awaiting those years but in your experience as a parent and in working with parents what are those? Challenges that pop up when you're trying to work with a teen at home.

[00:03:44] Maria Iams: yeah. I would say all fall under this umbrella of the teen or preteens starting to assert their independence the parent. Still trying to parent them like they did when they were younger, and that causes a ton of friction the household. So the preteen and teenager is like trying to break away, which is very normal. And the parent doesn't really have the strategies to keep the lines of communication going, to keep the relationship strong. And parents typically like they start to really hold on tight and reinforce all of the language of compliance that they are used to using when kids are, you know, 678, like, do this, don't do that. That doesn't work with teenagers. They don't like that. So the other extreme is parents kind of not knowing what to do and then not doing anything and then moving too fast to being friends with their kids, which also a

[00:04:47] Erika Bergen: So how does yeah, I mean, yeah I'm actually yeah thinking about experiences that I've had so how does that show up becausemy Reaction to that right is don't you want your kid to be more independent if you're working remotely because you don't want them to come In you know, like my little kids are coming in Asking for things, wanting hugs, right?

I'd love for them to be a little bit more independent, so how does that friction, right, come to life in that working at home space?

[00:05:20] Maria Iams: Well, it's not as clear like that because that's not how teenagers and preteens start to assert their independence. One, you know what? What's going to happen is they're going to come into your room and it's not like the next day. They're not going to come into the room. What they're going to do is be disrespectful and sassy and misbehave.

And they're going to be, you're going to wonder where your lovely kids have gone because they're going to be treating you differently. That is their assertion of independence. And so it's

[00:05:52] Erika Bergen: Okay, so it's like active disagreement with you. Okay.

[00:05:56] Maria Iams: turmoil because yes, the ultimate to have them be independent at home so that they're not coming into your room when you're Leading a workshop or whatever.

And by the way, my kids still do that My kids are 18 and 15 and they'll still Literally come into my office and like stare at me when i'm conducting a virtual workshop. I'm like, are you kidding me? Don't know by now?

[00:06:20] Erika Bergen: Okay. So it doesn't change much over the years.

[00:06:22] Maria Iams: It doesn't change afterwards i'm like you guys if the door is closed that That means please don't come in.

I know, but mom, I, I needed, you know, their, their needs are very urgent.

[00:06:34] Erika Bergen: Right. Okay. So then, so what are you, what have you implemented? That has helped with that.

[00:06:40] Maria Iams: Yeah. I, I think it's a journey, right? It's, and nothing is full of proof, but the biggest thing is setting boundaries with your kids and setting boundaries with work. So really what is important for you as the, as the working parent at home to function so that you can be totally present with your kids. And totally present at work. And I'll give you like a very tangible example of that. So when I started working remotely 12 years ago, something that I was aware of is that clients or conversations about work would happen a lot when I was in the car, when my kids were in the car.

[00:07:29] Erika Bergen: Mm.

[00:07:30] Maria Iams: I didn't like that because it was encroaching on my time with my kids. And I wasn't as present for my kids as I wanted to be. And especially when you have kids who are becoming preteens and teens, the time in the car with them is like sacred time. That's the time that teenagers, they will tell you things, you will bond with them. So that time becomes incredibly important. And I realized that I needed to set a boundary around I was handling that. So one of my boundaries now is I don't take any calls. Work or any personal calls from anybody. If my kids are in the car and that really helps me give them what they need and also like separate myself from work. And I feel like with kids, like if you can be really present with them, the times that they that they need you. Um, it's a lot easier to focus on work because the kids have gotten what they need instead of trying to do both 

[00:08:36] Erika Bergen: Mm hmm. Mm hmm. Yeah. And so, um, yeah, that, that makes sense. And there's also probably so much car time because kids of that age are shuffling between school and activities and friends and work. They have jobs.

[00:08:50] Maria Iams: Yeah, it really ramps up as they start to get into, it's, it's like perfect. Right. It ramps up as they start to get into middle school. And then by the time they're about to get their license, you're like, I literally can't handle this anymore. I'm always in the car driving them and

[00:09:05] Erika Bergen: It's like

drive yourself.

[00:09:07] Maria Iams: I know. And then they do. And the issue with that is then you don't have as many opportunities to be in the car with them. It's like, yeah. I don't know the way it's designed. So parents like cherish that time that you have in the car with your kids. That's where you get a lot of connection.

[00:09:24] Erika Bergen: Yeah. And so then they feel like they've been seen and heard and got that bonding time with you so that when you get home, You could what theoretically kind of go back to work and they can they can feel like they've They've gotten their fill of you and can move on to the thing that they need to do. Mm

[00:09:39] Maria Iams: Yeah. And to be really clear with them, you know, if, if I was, let's just say, picking them up from school. One of the things that I also did was try to not schedule meetings within that hour of like getting them from school and coming home and getting them settled, because it's very unsettling kids. you to just dash back into work mode. you can't do that every day, but I was, I would block, literally block off the time on my calendar so that people wouldn't schedule over it. then I would say to them, I would get them all situated and say, I've got a call, like being very clear. I've got a call from four to four 30. Afterwards, is what we're going to do. So during four to four 30, what is your plan? Are going to, are you going to take some downtime? Are you going to start on your homework? Are you going to go outside and play? Like what's. What's your plan? So that

[00:10:30] Erika Bergen: hmm,

[00:10:31] Maria Iams: expectations that I'm not available during that time.

[00:10:34] Erika Bergen: right? Yeah, and you know, my kids are young but I have struggled with this idea of do I pick them up? Or do I ask for help in getting them picked up and then when they get home, it's the, it's the dance of your home. So they want to say hello, but you're in the middle of something, right? So I actually like that framework also, I could see that applying to me and trying that out in my family because I could, you know, maybe do some of the pickup duty.

So get that car time. Get a little bit of time with them afterwards, and then kind of have a, an easier transition versus them getting home and seeing me locked away in an office that they can't have access to,

[00:11:13] Maria Iams: you. Yeah.

[00:11:15] Erika Bergen: right?

[00:11:16] Maria Iams: were younger, I had help picking them up after school for that very reason. Um, three days a week, just because we can't do it all as working parents. And I'll say, especially working mothers, like we were totally sold a story. we could do it all and we could have this

[00:11:36] Erika Bergen: Mm hmm.

[00:11:37] Maria Iams: and we could this family in a very traditional sense.

And we cannot, we can't, it's just, it's too much. And so we to, we need to honor that. And to very outsourcing and finding someone becomes your family. Like I did with the I had for many years, literally came daughter's graduation. still is very much part of our family, but I needed somebody to there three days a week.

And what I would do, Erika, is I would leave. I would, you could, I would leave and go to a coffee shop or leave and try not to be in the house. And

[00:12:17] Erika Bergen: So you get that extra working time. Because, look, school gets out at three o'clock, and

[00:12:21] Maria Iams: set up for the working parent. Let's just be very clear. Yeah.

[00:12:24] Erika Bergen: Yes. Okay, so that was a little bit of a digression, but thanks, thanks for that. Um, and I would just add in that, you know, we can't have it all. It's also what I've learned. We've started to pick up on the idea of is we just have to define for ourselves what it all means, right? And it can't be all things all the time, but we do have the freedom if we, if we're willing to kind of curate it to set our life up for what we need in that time.

Of it right in that experience of it. So let's go back to what you talked about where you were on a call and your kid kids Came in and just sort of stared at you. So what? So I'm sure that happens to a lot of people like what did you do? What did you do in that moment?

[00:13:07] Maria Iams: yeah. It, it really depends on who I'm talking to those clients that I have a really connection with in a personal relationship. I'll just say, hold on just a moment and then take myself off camera and on mute and then turn to my kid and not, not and not yell at them, but just, you know, very calmly say Hey, I'm on with a client. Is this urgent? Can we talk afterwards? I would say 99 times out of 100 is not urgent at all. It's did you buy the frozen burritos, right? Like it's very, it's, you know, whatever. Um, and then I always have a follow conversation with my kids afterwards the, Hey, the door is closed, this is what this means. 

[00:13:50] Maria Iams: Um,

[00:13:50] Maria Iams: it just still happens, right? there's a great analogy when kids are building independence and it's a Lisa DeMora's analogy where she talks how For a long time, kids are with your side like they are, um, when they're learning how to swim and they're like holding on to the side of a pool.

Right? And they're feeling pretty secure there. And, and sometimes they'll like let go of the sides and then they'll grab right back on again. But when kids become tweens and teens, they start venture out into pool. And so they're leaving you a little bit more, but then they always come back to the sides. 

[00:14:27] Erika Bergen: Mm hmm.

[00:14:28] Maria Iams: They need that They need, you know, their parents. And as they continue grow, they're spending more and more time out in the middle of the pool. And so it's to be expected. There's no way that I can expect my 15 and 18 year old to not come back and touch the the pool, like not come back.

[00:14:50] Erika Bergen: Mm hmm.

[00:14:50] Maria Iams: bother me during the call. It's just developmentally not within their wheelhouse yet. I mean, they're

[00:14:58] Erika Bergen: Okay.

[00:14:58] Maria Iams: The brain is not developed until they're 25 years old, especially for boys. So I

[00:15:03] Erika Bergen: Yeah, so you just have to have realistic expectations of what your kids are really capable of doing at the age that they're at and then also it's, it's like, I know for me, I didn't see my parents as real people until I got, until I got older,

but you know, like, is there a bit of that and that in, cause there's a selfishness that comes in the teenage years, right?

Is, is there a little bit of work that can be done and how you approach the situation of just trying to help them see outside of themselves, maybe gain a little bit more self awareness? What are your thoughts on if that's at all a part of the equation?

[00:15:42] Maria Iams: I mean, they're so self absorbed their teenage years, right? Everything revolves around them. They're the main character in every drama. And it is said that kids really don't develop empathy until they're 17. Um,

[00:15:58] Erika Bergen: Oh, okay.

[00:15:59] Maria Iams: But you can, you can really start building some of those blocks by like, know, volunteering and that sort of stuff.

But I also think it is in the communication that you have with your teenagers. So let's just say they come in, I'm doing a workshop. I'm not prepared to jump off. I might like, I do like the shoo them away off camera sort of thing. And then they'll shut the door and it's like the conversation afterwards, like, Hey, especially if you see me standing up, that's really not a great time to come in. I'm in the middle of a workshop. I don't want to lose my flow with people. Can we think about another way, especially if it's urgent, if you need to get my attention and like shame them or guilt them, but like them that like,

[00:16:52] Erika Bergen: Right.

[00:16:53] Maria Iams: I'm doing something that's important. You're important too, but this is

[00:16:59] Erika Bergen: Yes. Right. And it sounds like you've also used sort of a cue to let them know, look, not only is the door closed, but I'm standing. So, right. Yes. No, I get that. I get that. And have you, okay, so this is going to be a wild card. Have you ever locked the door?

[00:17:18] Maria Iams: I can't lock the door if I could lock the door I would have locked the

[00:17:22] Erika Bergen: okay. So there's nothing, no reason why you, there's no like trauma that's going to be caused by,

okay,

[00:17:29] Maria Iams: I also think too like we're in a space where get interrupted all the time when they're working remote, like the doorbell will ring or, you know, the gardeners are outside. And I do think people have a lot more understanding when you do get interrupted. And

[00:17:48] Erika Bergen: The people you're talking to on the other side of the camera. Yes.

[00:17:52] Maria Iams: I do. And now when that happens, especially if I have this ongoing relationship with my client, I'll be like, Oh, excuse me. Andrew's here. Like he's got a quick question. And then I'm like, Andrew, say hi to so and so. And

[00:18:06] Erika Bergen: Okay. Yeah. So he, yeah. So he's also getting a preview into like, you are actually talking to somebody right now.

[00:18:13] Maria Iams: Right.

[00:18:16] Erika Bergen: Okay. And, um, have, like, how do phones, have you, um, cause I'm also thinking like, do you. Do your kids have phones, and does that help you kind of manage,

[00:18:27] Maria Iams: Oh my

[00:18:28] Erika Bergen: um, I'm thinking, like, could they, do they text you, and,

[00:18:31] Maria Iams: So much.

[00:18:33] Erika Bergen: okay, and can you text them back, like, not right now? I mean, is the, is the, how do they, because I'm imagining that parents are probably leaning on their phones quite a bit to try to communicate with their kids while they're working, and what's the, what's the, when you talk about boundaries, how do you create boundaries with the texting while I'm working?

Mm hmm.

[00:18:51] Maria Iams: Yeah. Yeah. Well, phones are like such a blessing and a curse. Right. I mean, I think we can all agree.

[00:18:59] Erika Bergen: Yeah.

[00:19:00] Maria Iams: of the things that phones allow us to do is respond really quickly. I have like a setting that says on a call, call you later. I like just click that and my kids know like, okay, she saw it. I, she can't talk right now. She's, she's literally busy. Um, but they, they don't care Erika that you are working they don't like,

[00:19:25] Erika Bergen: Okay.

[00:19:26] Maria Iams: will be like, mom, mom, mom, mom, like on text. Right. And I'm like, it is the middle of the work day here. Yeah, you know, and then the calls come in and the calls come in.

They expect you to respond to them immediately And what's so funny is when you text them, they don't respond

[00:19:49] Erika Bergen: Okay.

[00:19:49] Maria Iams: respond. You're like, oh my gosh. And when they respond, it's like one letter. So,

[00:19:55] Erika Bergen: Okay.

[00:19:55] Maria Iams: lopsided communication.

[00:19:59] Erika Bergen: Oh my gosh, it sounds like a toxic relationship, right?

[00:20:02] Maria Iams: know, it is. It is. Like, having a teenager is like having a crush, right?

[00:20:08] Erika Bergen: Right, yeah, so

[00:20:09] Maria Iams: communicate. They don't.

[00:20:11] Erika Bergen: I'm picturing myself in that scenario not handling it as well as you seem to So I could see myself definitely trying to hold back and and and Stay calm stay calm in front of the workshop and not losing my train of thought and then when that workshop ends Like not just completely lose it On my kids or not feel that internal right dysregulation so, um, When you do lose it, particularly on your kids, because it happens, what do you, how do you, what do you say afterwards, or what do you do?

And have you ever lost it? You seem so calm, you seem so steady, Maria.

[00:20:58] Maria Iams: I, I have been told my daughter that I have aggressive communication, so yes, I've lost it on them. Yes. Um, I, I, like you said, though, I, I really try to have these conversations when I'm in a good place. I absolutely have not had these conversations, have had conversations when I'm not in a good place. And what I do is I just keep going and it's almost like I can't stop myself. Right. I just keep like digging in. So when I have lost it with my teens, I repair the relationship. I go back, I apologize for how I talk to them. I don't say things like, but you really blah, blah, blah. Like, I just am like, I'm sorry.

I should have handled that in a totally different way. It was obvious that I upset your feelings. I'm going to do better next time. Done. And. One of the things that I definitely think is different about the way that we are parenting kids now is that we are way more open to apologizing to our kids. Because I can't remember a time that my parents apologized to me. And I love my parents, they're great parents, but I don't remember when they came at me repairing the relationship afterwards.

[00:22:23] Erika Bergen: Mm hmm. And do you have that expectation of your kids at that, by the time they're teens? is there an expectation that they acknowledge some?

[00:22:33] Maria Iams: Ownership?

[00:22:33] Erika Bergen: Yes. Yeah, right.

[00:22:35] Maria Iams: You have to model it, right? not, it's never going to happen if You're not the one going back and making the effort to repair the relationship. And I, I will say that both of my kids are really good at that. especially if I, you know, Hey, I should have, I should have handled that differently.

I'm really sorry. Especially my older one, because you know, she is older and a girl, she'll say, and I, I should have done this mom. Like, I'm really sorry. I see where I like, she's very good at taking accountability. So,

[00:23:08] Erika Bergen: How did you develop that skill? In her.

[00:23:12] Maria Iams: I think it's a few things. I think it's. It's, it's really being committed to having of connection versus compliance in the house and valuing communication above almost anything. and modeling, like, you're never going to expect, I mean, this is like leftover from teaching days, right?

If you don't demonstrate you want someone to behave, then they're never going to do it. you've got to be that model of coming back and repairing and I messed up and I'm going to work on this and I own this. Like I'm not perfect, right? Then it's a lot easier for them to also try that. But I, you know, back to the first thing I said, which is like valuing communication and connectedness.

I'll give you an example. My son who's 15 said to me the other day, mom, do I have a curfew? And, I mean, we could go on a tangent on this topic, but I don't, I don't believe in curfews. I don't like what they do. Um, as far as making kids feel like they have to come back by a certain time and driving erratically to make that time.

And what is the consequence if you break curfew and all that? I think it's kind of puts like this unnecessary stress on the relationship. And so I did something with my daughter and I'm doing it with my son, which is there's no curfew. There's just communication. So at the end of the day, we talk about where are you going? If you move from point A to point B, you need to tell me and we need to agree on a time where you think you're going to leave by. So is a very different way to handle

[00:25:05] Erika Bergen: Yeah.

Mm hmm.

[00:25:07] Maria Iams: going out versus you need to be home by midnight.

[00:25:11] Erika Bergen: Yeah, that's the first time I've heard that type of, but I don't have kids at the curfew age, but yeah, I, I get that model of trying to respect, it also sounds like a sign of respect and trust too, that you are,

[00:25:23] Maria Iams: I mean, we were teenagers,

[00:25:25] Erika Bergen: right,

[00:25:26] Maria Iams: So my whole thing is Just, just let me know what you're up to, right? I don't need to know like the intimate details, but Hey, we were now at so and so's house or getting in and out right now, just keep me posted because I don't follow my kids.

I don't track their location, you know, it's on them, that's their accountability. So if they want to have this sort of you know, no curfew, we've agreed, we've talked about it, then they're responsible for saying, Hey, I'm here, I'm here, I'm here. And then. I make that happen like, you know, sophomore and junior year and then senior year, you know, that was kind of, she, you know, she's old enough to, you know, we put that by the wayside, but my kids were always home by between midnight and one. like it, you're, you're not going to have kids

[00:26:14] Erika Bergen: right.

[00:26:14] Maria Iams: four you're, if you're building this communication and connection with them.

[00:26:20] Erika Bergen: Yeah. And you're leading with trust. And I guess if something goes sideways, you can reevaluate the approach, but you're leading with that versus leading with your, you're up to no good if you're out too late, right? It's

[00:26:33] Maria Iams: right.

[00:26:34] Erika Bergen: a different type of place to start in the communication. And so what I'm hearing from this too, is that what you're doing or what you expect from your kids In working from home it's not just how you handle those situations when they pop up, but it is generally the tone and the relationship that you're building with them

in all areas, right?

So if something's not working in your teen's relationship with you and work, Then there's probably other areas to look at to kind of build up that communication with your kid. Is

[00:27:10] Maria Iams: Yeah.

[00:27:12] Erika Bergen: that fair to say?

[00:27:13] Maria Iams: I think that's a really good synopsis.

[00:27:17] Erika Bergen: and And we've talked about boundary setting with in a couple different ways Are there other? Just before we start to wrap up here. I just want to make sure we we dig out all the insights We can from you maria. Are there other ways in which parents should be thinking about setting boundaries with their kids or You Kind of overcoming some of the biggest hurdles, in working with their teens at home.

[00:27:42] Maria Iams: Yeah, and I would say this, this is like more in general, I would about boundary setting. Um, so when we set boundaries, Early with kids like when they're younger, we use this language of compliance and I've said this a few times. We'll say, you know, the stove is hot. Don't touch it or, you know, don't don't cross the street without looking both ways.

So it's all about keeping kids safe. And that's why, we're not really giving them choice in the matter. But when you start to set boundaries with and teens, you want to give them some sort of agency. how they are engaging in that expectation. So I like to use this analogy of like a sandbox. the guardrails of the sandbox, whatever it is, keeping the sand in. Those are your boundaries. Okay. And as a teenager develops, you want to have sand and toys or tools in the sandbox for them. And the sand really represents their choice, right? They get to choose how the, how the sand looks. The toys or the tools is your support as a parent. So the boundary is, please don't come in. or I guess that's my ask, right? But like, if my door is shut, please don't come in. I'm probably on a call or in a workshop. The problem is the kids are still coming in, but the tool that I'm using afterwards is that conversation around like, Hey, when you see me standing up, that really indicates that I'm on a workshop and I can't. engage if it's an emergency. How can we think about, so you're not, it's not just so cut and dry. Right. You're not like, don't come in again. Right. You're not just reinforcing the boundary without having some sort of conversation about it. I would say that's the biggest takeaway with preteens and teens.

These, these guys are smart. want ownership they want their independence. And so if we can create for that to happen, then you're going to have a much easier time. Setting those expectations.

[00:29:52] Erika Bergen: Okay. What age does this shift

[00:29:57] Maria Iams: uh,

[00:29:57] Erika Bergen: kind of start? I'm

[00:30:01] Maria Iams: if you want

[00:30:02] Erika Bergen: at the years now.

[00:30:03] Maria Iams: very specific, um, well, of course it's arranged, but I will say having been a fourth grade teacher for girls, it is right after spring break in fourth grade, they come.

[00:30:16] Erika Bergen: Oh, that is so specific.

[00:30:17] Maria Iams: specific. They come back literally like different people after spring break. I don't know what it is. that's when I noticed when I was in the classroom, the shift starting to happen with girls. Saw it a little later with boys, uh, just because of, you know, puberty and development. So you can think about like 10 ish, 11 with girls and maybe kind of on the older side, 12 to 13 ish with boys.

[00:30:40] Erika Bergen: Okay. Where they're ready to start having this more. I mean, I would call it like more of a mature conversation around, how to communicate and boundaries and more respect and trust, right? Less compliance. Is that the right way to frame it?

Okay.

[00:30:57] Maria Iams: about the why behind certain things like they want to

[00:31:00] Erika Bergen: Okay.

[00:31:01] Maria Iams: like, why can't I come in when you're working? Why can't I? Right? So

[00:31:09] Erika Bergen: Mm hmm.

Okay. 

[00:31:10] Maria Iams: that. And that's what they push on those teenage years is why can't I? Why can't I do that? Why? Why is it like this?

[00:31:19] Erika Bergen: Right. And, just the last question for you, uh, partners in the house.

So if, for all the listeners that have, partners or spouses or, grandparents living with them, what responsibility, what partnership should exist there to help support what's happening with the kids? If you're the only one working from home, right?

But you need these. Things sort of in place in order to be successful in doing that and your partner's home or your mother's home or whatever else is this something that you need to deal directly with with your child? this is your relationship to establish and communication to establish or I think some of us, right, we expect our partners to jump in and help us, like save us.

So when the, when the child is starting to, to come in with demand, so what's, what are your thoughts there?

[00:32:11] Maria Iams: Yeah, word partner sums it up really because the biggest thing that I see when I talk to parents about what's happening with their teenagers and setting boundaries, et cetera, is that partner is not on the same page as them. And that is where you get a lot of this. Friction as well. Is that you're trying to establish these boundaries, but then your partner is like. Making is a ton of noise in the house when you're on a, you know, workshop. I'm just making that up. So I think the biggest thing is we need to be totally aligned on this. what is okay and what is not okay.

And then let's just say that the kids kept coming in and coming into my office. Like when we're having a conversation about it, my partner is there reinforcing that with them as well. united front, if you've got partners or grandparents or nannies that are helping you. so critical kids are smart.

[00:33:11] Erika Bergen: Yes, very smart.

[00:33:13] Maria Iams: will know who the weak link is.

[00:33:17] Erika Bergen: Um, so well, Maria, thank you so much. You've shared such interesting tips and insights.

Where can people find you?

[00:33:25] Maria Iams: So I am on social media. I will be recommitting to my social media production I did take a year off with a senior in high school in the house. However, I've got a podcast called try this at home and you can find that on Spotify and Apple. I've got Some reels and tech talks out there. You can find that under executive coach playbook. And then I've got a book in the works. It used to be called, try this at home. Now I think the title is your teenager won't talk to you. It's not them. It's you. And I am going to be, yeah,

[00:34:05] Erika Bergen: like that.

[00:34:06] Maria Iams: Um, I'm going to be working on self publishing that and getting it out. And it's really a how to manual of how do you just coaching strategies with your teenagers?

[00:34:15] Erika Bergen: That sounds amazing. And there you go, everyone. If you'd like to stay in touch with Maria, you can find her details in the show notes or at work at remote. com. Also if you enjoyed this episode, please subscribe.

Thank you, Maria.

[00:34:30] Maria Iams: Super fun. Thank you.